Our Last Dance
by Englishrosie
Summary: Mary finds a new love in the dashing Jonathan Trask.
1. Sorrow

Our Last Dance

I brushed aside the canopy of George's crib and gingerly placed him into his cot. I kissed his forehead, and enveloped him with a yellow wool blanket that Mrs. Hughes had crocheted diligently for him each night of my pregnancy. I remember she would carry on about the progress she was making anytime I complained to her about my swollen feet and indigestion. She would say with a pointed smile, _just imagine the wee little one, tucked in with this beautiful blanket_. Of course, Mrs. Hughes had used neutral yellows and greens for the wool as she hadn't dared to speculate the gender of Matthew's and my child.

As soon as I had laid George's head on his lace pillow, every ounce of energy was expelled from my body. I barely was able to teeter over to the chair where I would feed George, sluggishly falling into it. I shifted in my seat causing a squeak to emerge from the chair. Reching beneath my velvet robe, I pulled out a toy duck that would accompany George's bath time. Ducks…water…the sea…sea monster…Matthew. My thoughts somehow always trailed back to him. Then his sea blue eyes flashed in my head for a moment and my heart sank into the abyss it left. Maybe it served me right, to be so unhappy. I felt as though I was being punished for leaving Matthew hanging the first time he had proposed to me. Now he had left me hanging, indefinitely.

I reached over to the side table where a platter of food had been set by Anna in case I suddenly started to find food appetizing again. I commended her determination but found that notion entirely inconceivable. Nevertheless, I knew that if I lost my strength, George would suffer, so I unwillingly bit into a strawberry and swallowed it, hardly taking in any of the taste. Suddenly, I was reminded of the day Matthew and I ate strawberries together, after he had carried Sybil back from the rally. I closed my eyes, drowsy and tired from the memories that were constantly pouring over me.

I awoke with a start, realizing that I had been sleeping in an uncomfortably hard rocking chair for several hours. It was almost midnight and I could feel unsolicited tears start to well up in my eyes. Realization dawned on me…Matthew was dead. I hugged myself tightly and began to tremble. He had died in a car accident, merely four days ago, on the day that George was born. The day I thought would be the happiest day of our life would be forever tainted.

The last four days had been utter hell, and the weekend was almost upon me. Come to think of it, I hadn't even known what a weekend was before Matthew had educated me on the matter. An example of the things Matthew had brought into my life. I peered into the cot where George was sleeping silently. He was the most significant reminder of Matthew's impact on my life. It was Matthew who had given me the child that I had sought so desperately for so long. It was Matthew that had abolished all my dilemmas concerning the entail, lock, stock, and barrel by taking me as his wife. I owed so much to him, yet would never be able to fully thank him or give him the love he so deserved.

I took a deep breath thinking of our last discourse, wondering if I had been typically cold and brash in my choice of language. I hope he hadn't been slighted in any way by the grief I'd given him for not being there when George was born. I could feel the tempo of my heart increasing by degrees. I came to an absolute conclusion at that moment. I had been too demanding and had expected too much from him; his dying had been the outcome of my selfishness.

I tied the velvet belt of my housecoat in a loose knot and headed downstairs to where the gramophone was ensconced. I stood by the contraption, thinking profoundly about the dance that Mathew and I had shared that night that he had first kissed me so profoundly without any restraint. That was the precise moment I knew I loved him. I smiled as tears prickled in my eyes.

I picked up a record, and blew away a fine layer of dust that had settled on the vinyl. I placed the record onto the gramophone, placing the stylus gently onto it. The music of zip goes a million filled the entire room. I hugged my shoulders remembering how naturally it felt to be dancing hand in hand with him. I mouthed the lyrics of the song, "look for the silver lining." My heart sunk, remembering that there was no silver lining for George and me.


	2. Belief

**Chapter Two**

Rain was pelting down hard on the window pane, when I awoke with a stir. My sleep induced oblivion quickly dissipated and I felt a pang in my stomach as my morning ritual of remembering that I had been widowed began. I clambered out of my four poster bed and was shocked and cross at first to see that Edith had fallen asleep on the chaise lounge by my window. My anger was replaced with curiosity.

"What on earth are you doing in my room?" I announced loudly, hoping to alarm the servants outside.

Edith nimbly rose from the chaise lounge and began rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. "I came to look in on you of course Mary. We may have had our differences in the past but I'm not heartless!" She replied wearily.

"Oh, well…" I replied overcome with a loss of words, "Thank-you." I finally managed to sputter out.

"So…should I ring down for one tray or two?" Edith inquired cocking her left eyebrow as she often was in habit to do.

I paused, taking a moment to think Edith's question over. _To hell with it_, I thought. "Two… and ask for marmalade!" I stated, surprised to hear myself requesting food.

Edith rang down and then joined me on my bed. As we waited for our trays she began recounting the going-on of last night's dinner party.

"Let's see…Vivian Booth came and looked like she'd aged a decade since I last saw her. Oh and Lord Trask and his sister both attended. They are also boarding at Downtown as grandmother extended them an invitation since he's in Yorkshire on business. I rather like Lord Trask." Edith gushed, the pallor of her skin flushing before she starting gossiping again.

"It was a riot really, a real shame you didn't join us sissy." Edith sulked as she bit into a piece of buttered toast and drained back her first cup of tea of the day. "Rose can really throw an excellent party. I have no clue where she gets it's from really, certainly not her boring and dull mother!" She said with a speck of venom in her voice.

"Are you quite finished?" I said with irritation as I took a fulfilling bite of my soft boiled egg.

"Well no, but if you're otherwise engaged." Edith remarked, suddenly gasping and cupping her hand over her mouth.

I stood up angrily as tears brimmed my eyes. Edith gave me a once over as her eyes widened with regret.

"Oh, I'm so sorry…" She started apologizing, but was cut of by my very angry words.

"No, I'm actually widowed." I shouted spitefully, overcome with frustration. At this point for full effect I stormed out my room.

"No, Mary wait…" Edith pleaded, her voice trailing off as I set off down the corridor.

I headed towards George's nursery, threading through several servants I encountered along the way. The only face that could bring me any relief now was George's, for he had his father's calming blue eyes and I was longing for Matthew.

It was almost four o'clock and mother had just given me a lecture about neglecting my familial duties. I was instructed that being confined to my room for all meals in the day would only be tolerated for a short time and that the whole family was grieving Matthew's untimely demise. In the meantime, I would have to make at least one appearance and I chose tea time as this was the most informal gathering of the day. Anna had just buttoned up one of my black high collar dresses and secured my hair into a swirl.

"Keep your chin up Lady Mary!" Anna chirped, giving me a sympathetic smile.

I forced a smile and could see that Anna had tears in her eyes.

"It's alright Anna. I'll be fine. Thank you for everything." I said trying to hide my sorrow from my sensitive head maid.

When Anna had left, I reached for my perfume but stopped abruptly thinking about how Matthew would always kiss the pulse points on my body. I closed my eyes and tried to remember how his kisses had felt.

"Oh God…why me…why us!" I cried out, with my head in my hands.

After a few moments of sobbing I gathered myself and then made my way downstairs to the morning room. The room grew silent as I entered and the conversation seemed to immediately die out. Mother, Edith and Grandmother, all with stone faces, looked up at me.

"Come dear, sit beside me. You poor poor thing." Grandma finally said breaking the deafening silence. "Here, have a scone my love." She added, placing a warm Devon scone onto my saucer.

"And a dollap of cream…" Grandmother added. "Do we have any cream…Carson?" Grandmother said panicking and turning her head frantically looking for Carson.

"It's alright. No need to bother Carson. I'll just have tea." I spat out, angry at everyone's ridiculous behavior.

Just then Rose walked into the room looking rather disheveled. She stretched her hand above her head and let out a gaping yawn.

"Oh cousin Mary, we missed you so last night. Didn't we have a riot, Edith? I wish you'd come." Rose sulked. "Lord Trask is dying to meet you!"

"Sorry, I was tired." I responded with a pointed smile.

An awkward silence followed until Edith finally broke it.

"Lord Trask is going to join us for dinner tonight. You will join us right. You wouldn't want him to think you were rude." Edith questioned, her eyes searching mine for an answer.

"As a matter of fact, I don't care what Lord Trask thinks of me and I plan on having a tray sent up and spending the evening with George." I stated abruptly.

"Mother, you can't let her get away with…" Edith rudely started saying before she was cut of by grandmother.

"Girls, I won't have you acting so uncivilly, please have some decorum." Grandmother said squirming in her chair and glowering at Edith.

"I think I'd better check on George." I said standing up to leave.

"I'll come with you darling." My mother said finally breaking her silence. "I'm dying to see my beautiful grandchild."

At this Edith face flushed and she became livid. She rose from the table.

"You all make me sick." She said, throwing down her napkin and rushing out of the room before I could. I realized that her anger was stemming from the fact that her daughter was being raised by strangers and I was raising George. Edith had always been envious of me my whole life, and this was just another reason for her to hate me.


	3. Hope

**Chapter Three**

I shuffled the roasted potatoes about on my plate and flattened a few peas with my fork. I wasn't nearly hungry enough to have had a tray sent up, but Anna had brought one up for me nevertheless. I gritted my teeth, slamming down the cutlery on the tray and draining back the dregs of my wine.

My thoughts trailed back to the dance that Matthew and I had shared at Christmastime. That was the dance that had been a game changer for me. Matthew had proposed to me after that. I decided to go down to the music room and listen to our song.

I placed the record in the gramophone and music immediately filled the room.

"What about it." A smooth voice uttered from behind me. I whipped back my head, as my heart fell from my chest.

"Matthew!" I exclaimed, quickly finding myself burying my head in his chest.

"There there love. The worst is over now. It's going to be all up hill from here for you and George." Matthew assured me, placing his hands on my shoulders and gently curling his fingers along my shoulder blade.

I studied his face. His hair was neatly parted at the right and he was adorned with a tuxedo. He looked so smart. I suddenly realized his visage was free from blemish; he didn't have one laceration or scratch on his body. This perplexed me because we had been forced to have a closed casket at the funeral because of the extent of Matthew's injuries.

"Are you really back? Please, tell me this is not a dream!" I pleaded with my husband, pressing my hands over his chest to confirm his existence.

"Not a dream, a promise I made with… well with someone up there." Matthew said gesturing upward, his lips twitching with pride. "I had to see you again. I couldn't let things end this way."

I folded myself into his arms, intoxicated by his familiar scent of peppermint and musk. He smoothed my hair. At this, I began to cry uncontrollably.

"I'm so sorry love, this was not how I'd intended for things to go. All I wanted was to be a good husband to you, and to take care of you. Truth be told, I think I knew I loved you the moment I first saw you, when you mounted that horse… I knew I was yours. You've held my heart captive since that day. If it weren't for you Mary, I wouldn't have stayed at Downton a moment more. I would have laughed in your father's face and walked away, but it's you who kept me here, it's you who held my curiosity." "Mary," Matthew began speaking after a pause, leveling his eyes with mine, "Don't grieve too hard or for too long love."

"I'll try darling." I replied worriedly, turning toward the gramophone to change the record. I could feel his breath on my neck, and this brought a smile to my lips. I turned around to plant a kiss on his cheek but realized he was no longer there. However I wasn't, to my chagrin, alone in the room.

"Are you alright? You look pale like you've just seen a ghost." A tall, lean man of about nine and twenty said with a bewildered look on his face. The man was well dressed and donned a well defined jaw line and charming smile.

"I'm fine." I finally manager to sputter out as my eyes ranged about the room looking for some sign that Matthew was still here.

"Have you misplaced something?" The stranger questioned, his green eyes squinting curiously as he looked about the room for my misplaced possession.

"No, no, I just haven't been in this room for sometime and the furniture has been changed." I replied, relieved that I had been able to come up with an excuse for my odd behaviour.

"I see. By the way, I'm Jonathan Trask." He said extending out his hand and pumping my hand three times. "I'm actually staying at your home for a few days. You're grandmother opened your home to me and my sister Vivian." Trask articulated to me leaning one of his hands on a side table and flashing me and irresistible smile. Lord Trask began rifling through the record collection, finally finding a suitable record. He placed the stylus on it, pensively listening to the melody. After a moment, he stood up to his full height and adjusted his bow. I was shocked at how tall and handsome this man standing before me was. And according to Edith he was not only handsome and well to do but he was a lord. I took a deep breath.

"Forgive me, Lord Trask. I'm feeling a bit ill. I think I'll head upstairs." I managed to spit out, as I started off down the room.

"Anything I can do to assist you?" Lord Trask inquired, taking wide and nimble strides to catch up with me.

"No. Have a good evening Lord Trask." I said declining his offer weakly.

"You as well Lady Mary," Lord Trask said, nodding his head respectfully and surprising me by lifting my hand up to his lips to kiss it. "Sleep well."


	4. Endurance

**A/N: My story is based in an alternate universe (AU). Sybil lives and Lord Grantham's affair with Jane Moorsum produces a son who will now vie for Downtown. **

Papa was donning a double breasted suit as he breezed into the room and sat down at the head of the table as he did every morning without failure. He flipped open the newspaper.

"Remember, remember the fifth of November!" He chanted with a somber countenance. He lifted up his napkin and neatly placed it on his lap.

"You all are aware it's the fifth?" He added skeptically.

"Yes father we all know. It's Guy Fawkes' day. Today we set an effigy on fire and cheer while it burns to the ground because Fawkes' plan to destroy parliament was thwarted." Edith said nonchalantly.

I laughed at Edith's explanation. "I suppose not everyone shares father's enthusiasm for burning things." I found myself adding to the conversation.

"Nonsense, who doesn't absolutely love burning things?" Father remarked as he devoured a heaping spoonful of porridge. "And where's your Mother? Today is her absolute favourite day. And proof that traitors always get their comeuppance!"

Never staying on one subject for more then a few minutes my father began to scrutinize us. He looked at me first, and then Edith and finally his eyes rested on Sybil.

"What are you up to these days Sybil?" My father inquired to his youngest and possibly his favorite daughter.

"I'm happy you asked, because well I was hoping for your permission to allow Edith to instruct me on learning how to drive the automobile." Sybil asked sweetly.

My father sighed. "I am so proud of you Sybil. You, daughter of mine, are a truly brave and courageous one. But of course, my answer is no." Lord Grantham said icily, giving Sybil a stern look.

"What? But Father, Edith didn't even have any instruction and she managed to drive the automobile perfectly well." Sybil riposted defensively.

"Yes father, I am a competent driver and I am confident my sister will share my penchant for driving." Edith chimed in giving my father an equally stern look.

"No. Absolutely not. Open your eyes. Look what happened to our Matthew." My father retorted, shutting his newspapers and shoving it to the side.

Frustrated at the cut and thrust of the conversation, I broke my silence and spoke up in my youngest sister's defense.

"Just because Matthew has had a bad accident doesn't mean Sybil will share the same fate." I managed to let out shakily, my emotions running high. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a smile forming on both Edith and Sybil's face.

Realization dawned on my father's face and biting his tongue, he swiftly he began to apologize. "I'm so sorry love. You are right. I was out of line bringing Matthew into this conversation. Please forgive my impropriety. Matthew paid a heavy price for the accident and I have no right to use his tragedy for my personal advantage."

As my father carried on talking about Matthew, my thoughts were taken back to mine and Matthew's wedding day. I could now feel the softness of my lace dress on my skin. I recalled the clear sky and droves of people that had watched me step out of my carriage and walk into the church were Matthew stood waiting for me at the alter. To think we'd fought over money the eve of our wedding day made my heart heavy.

The funeral had been a stark contrast to the brightest day of my life. That miserable day, I had been running on less than just a few moments of sleep…sleep that I had obliviously lapsed into from sheer exhaustion. No one ever tells you how tiresome grieving is for the surviving members. The only little grief I'd ever felt in my short life derived from losing a first cousin whom I had been betrothed to. In all honestly, his death had relieved me from such an obligation and I can't even be certain then that I had felt real grief.

I realized that my stiff upper lip was no use to me now and that Matthew's death would beckon feelings from me that I had never expressed outwardly before and had left me at the mercy of my disposition. The rest of the time spent in ebbs and flows of throwing angry fits at anyone who tried to comfort me and sitting placidly recalling happier days with my husband.

The first few days, however, had felt like one long drawn out nightmare that I couldn't wake up from; akin to riding a treacherous rollercoaster consisting of twisting turns, peaks and troughs that sent me reeling in different directions and threw me into a whirlwind of panic and displacement. The spit and hiss of the fire, too loud; any picture or belonging of Matthew's a trigger that would unleash hours of misery ridden fits of sobbing. Most direly, the memory of the iron sky that hung above us burned indelible into my mind; my father - looking defeated as Matthew's casket was lowered into the ground.

I can't believe that I had worn a black dress…that I had attended the funeral… that I had buried my husband. I felt as though it was an act of betrayal on my part; that I had allowed these events to come to pass. But of course I knew I had no real control over the situation anymore and neither did Matthew.

I remember nursing George or talking a walk or even bathing was considered a small victory for me as it daily felt as though a black hole lay fixed above me, drawing the will to live from out of me. I only realized later on that my spells of anger had been so displaced during those initial days and that the shell shock and exhaustion would eventually wear off.

"Well father?" Sybil's sweet voice said drawing me out my trance.

After a moment of contemplation, my father recoiled. "I hope you know what you're doing Edith." My father shot back while not bothering to look up at either of his tenacious daughters. He resumed his perusal of the headlines and it was as if the conversation had never taken place.

As I was getting ready to make my excuses to leave, Mother and Rose sauntered in, both smiling ear to ear like they were sharing a secret.

"Everything is ready for the bonfire tonight." Rose chirped, her cheeks flaring with excitement, her blond tendrils bobbing up and down on her shoulders.


	5. Perserverance

I was decidedly wearing black tonight as I had been accustomed to doing for the last month. All the rest of my family members had started wearing colourful clothing again but I was steadfast in my grief. Edith and Sybil were both preoccupied with there own lives and barely spent any time with me anymore.

Sybil had been trying rather unsuccessfully to find a situation as a nurse. And in the last fortnight she had successfully driven the automobile and even had the gumption to defy my father by striking a deal with Dr. Clarkson. She would work mornings with Mrs. Crawley for the practice in exchange for a reference. References were hard to come by and usually were the determining factor in whether one would land a job or not, thus Sybil was shrewd in her dealings.

My other sister Edith, had in the last fortnight, accompanied Lady Vivian Trask on her journey back to London while ensuring to get every bit of gossip that had escaped us at Downton. Vivian had been recently engaged to a well to do man named Edward Merit who ran a very successful import businesses that had flourished as of the late.

Lady Vivian had done well with her match and had gloated about it quite shamelessly to Edith and Sybil. To me she didn't utter a word about her engagement and had simply said, "Oh Mary you poor thing. Please let my brother be of comfort to you while he is at Downton. He adores you and is very apt had rising spirits. Let him lift yours." She said before bidding farewell to the others and boarding the carriage with my sister. I wondered about Lord Trask again. He was still staying with us at Downtown but I hadn't seen him for the last few days. He rose early and arrived back at Downton to late to converse with any of us. I gathered today would be no different. His visit was coming to an end and he would soon join his family in London were I was sure that his parents were arranging a suitable marriage for him.

Of course, I had been ordered by mother to attend tonight's festivities although my preference would have been to stay in with George. Mother had insisted because Father had arranged for a spectacular fireworks display at Downton Abbey. A part of me was getting swept away in the commotion, a part of me was aching that Matthew was missing out on so much of his life already.

"There. The rhinestone hair comb should hold every strand in place." Anna assured me as she winked at me through the mirror.

I smiled back at her then let out a sigh, "It's no matter Anna. I no longer strive to appear attractive, as I have no husband and will remain a widow for the rest of my years."

"Nonsense Lady Mary, the pain in fresh but you never know what the future holds. Just look at me and Mr. Bates. I never ever thought in my wildest dreams that I would land a man as wonderful and loving as he is. And I swear I am happier then the richest man in England for it." Anna proclaimed with a grin.

"I am very happy that you have Mr. Bates and that he has you Anna, but my circumstance is hardly the same. If you don't mind, I think I'll finish getting dressed myself." I instructed my head maid.

"As you wish Lady Mary." Anna said, curtsying before leaving the room.

As soon as Anna shut the door behind her, I began studying myself in the mirror. I looked plain. All the crying and the loss of appetite had taken a toll on my appearance. I had lost at least twelve pounds, and my face was gaunt and possessed an undesirable pallor.

I realized I could no longer continue in this manner. I picked up a string of pearls from my jewelry box and placed them on my neck. A little better, I thought to myself. But I'll definitely need something else. I picked up a round brush and applied some rouge to my cheeks. Much better I thought to myself.

My eyes rested on a framed photograph of Matthew on my dressing table. I had to see him again tonight. I wondered if I had been hallucinating the last time he had appeared to me in the music room. I had to find out again and tonight while everyone was watching the fireworks was the perfect time to steal away and wait for my husband to visit me.

Dinnertime was extremely short and as soon as the last course had been devoured Rose stood up. She drew the attention of our table by vigorously tapping the side of her champagne glass with her fork. First clearing her throat she then proceeded to address the table. "I propose that we all bundle up and go outside for a game of hide and seek before the fireworks display."

"Really? I'm too old for games and so is my wife." My father gasped looking about shocked and trying to win the favor of the room.

"Come on darling, don't be a spoil sport. It will be some much needed fun!" My mother interjected.

"Yes please let us have some fun!" Rose said jumping out of her chair. "Poor Mary needs some cheering up!" Rose added looking at me with wide doe like eyes.

I rolled my eyes, "Yes father, a game of hide and seek is just what I need!" I said in the most sarcastic voice I could conjure up.

"Oh All right. Everyone meet outside in about twenty minutes." My father said finally succumbing to our pleas.

"Thank you so much!" Rose shouted nearly displacing her cutlery. "I promise it will be a night no one will forget!"


	6. Acceptance

A/N: Thank you to my reviewers! This chapter is for you guys!

Anna had laid out a fur coat and muff on my bed for me to wear since the November weather in Yorkshire could be quite unforgiving. The garden had been shrouded with leaves for the last few days but in light of the celebrations the grass had been freshly raked exposing the pristine lawns of Downton. As we filed outside the doors of Downton Abbey we were accosted by a northerly wind that stung our faces and sent a chill through our extremities. Even with the treat of frostbite looming over me, I was still relishing the idea of slipping away during the fireworks to meet Matthew in the music room.

"Rose, I hope this silly game of yours doesn't cause Cora or me to catch our death of cold!" Papa said, with an undercurrent of irritation, as he smoothed his leather gloves to shut out the crisp air.

Rose batted her hand at my father's remarks, turning her attention to a startling noise that sounded like a wild dog originating from the gardener's tool shed. Edith and Sybil exchanged a worried look as they clutched onto one and another.

"Really that's just outlandish; it's at least ten degrees out here Cousin Robert." Rose snapped, giving my father a once over.

"More like negative ten degrees, and that's putting it mildly." My father reposted, furrowing his eyebrows and giving Rose a puzzled look.

Rose scoffed dismissingly. "If we get our bodies moving, we'll stand a better chance at staving off the cold. So, the rules of the game are everything except the barn and shed are fair game. Everything else is off limits."

Rose's last stipulation, eliciting a cluster of groans from my family. I buried my hands deeper into my fur muff and grandmamma and Isobel began stirring on the lawn as the wind chill grew more intense.

When would Rose be through with this drivel I thought to myself? As I watched my father warming my mother's hands with his, it occurred to me that the Crawley's were simply not cut out for prolonged exposure to the elements. I chuckled to myself thinking that Matthew and I would have shared this sentiment if he were here to enjoy watching this fiasco of a Guy Fawkes Day unfold.

As I exhaled into the cold air, I could hear Matthew's voice in my mind. "I will love you until the last breath leaves my body."

My heart ached, Matthew had kept his word to me and now I had to keep mine.

Rose proceeded to pull out a small leather bound book from her coat that read in bold type, _The Lost Prince_.

"Oh, I've heard that's a lovely book!" Grandmamma chimed in, before being abruptly cut off by a guttural growl that stemmed from the shrubbery.

All of our heads shot toward the sounds.

"Are you sure that the game doesn't entail the loser being engulfed by a wild beast?" I remarked haughtily, jumping at the chance to display my disapproval of the hide and seek game.

"Come off it!" Isobel interjected, "It's probably just a hurt animal. We should be looking for it."

"It's nothing. Now, this a very nice book to read. Whoever is the last to be found will be able to possess it." Rose bragged, completely ignoring the noises.

"Are you waiting for the grass to grow?" Rose snapped, clapping her hands and gesturing us forward. I looked into the expanse of the estate grounds. _Where would I hide?_

The overcast sky had suddenly grown dark and the clouds were replaced by flecks of celestial gold that were shimmering above us. At least the wind had died down considering none of us could have taken much more of this weather.

_Now…Where to hide?_ I thought long and hard and then it struck me. Father had had a hedge maze landscaped last year as wedding gift for Matthew and I. We would often walk the through the passages of the maze, arm-in-arm, talking about everything from husbandry to starting a family. How I yearned to speak to my love now. To unleash into his ear all that had passed since his death. There was so much to tell him, yet it would all remain unsaid.

I walked into the maze and after a few minutes I found a corner in the center and crouched down in a rather un-lady like position. I took of the muff and coat and set it aside, hugging my arms for warmth. If I'd known I'd be traipsing the length of the property I'd have worn less treacherous footwear this evening. I sulked to myself. I'd probably win the bloody book. The pity being that Matthew would have loved that book. He would have practically salivated while reading it. I closed my eyes and tried to envision Matthew in all his glory.

I opened them and to my sheer terror there was a masked man wearing a costume of some sort. His beady eyes were leering at me. He licked his lips and I could see a frenzy surface in his eyes. I was now panicking inwardly, but forced myself to remain composed as I was taught to do in finishing school. I was Lady Mary and no ruffian was going to drive me off my own property. I rose slowly from the ground and inched backward. At a moments notice, the man launched towards me. I turned around as fast as I could and broke into a run, letting out a shriek of distress. I could feel my chest begin to heave as my breaths quickened. _If I go left, right and right again I'll come out on the other side. Or is it right, left and left._ I realized that the figure was chasing after as I discerned from the sound of his shoes kicking the gravel back. Suddenly, I felt myself falling to the ground, realizing that this miscreant had pushed me down. I lied on the ground shaking. I covered my body to protect myself from the heathen but nothing else happened. I let out a sigh of relief. I was battered but not broken. As the tempo of my heart quieted down, I began sobbing. I realized my dress had been shredded and my pearl necklace had snapped during the ordeal. It had been a gift from Matthew and now it was ruined. Ruined like my marriage and the rest of life. I remained on the ground defeated.

"Mary, Mary is that you?" A panicked voice said. I looked up and my eyes rested on Lord Trask's very handsome face.

"What on earth are you doing on the-" His eyes widened at the disarray of my accoutrements. "Have you been attacked?" He kneeled down beside me observing me from head to toe.

"There was a masked man chasing me and I tried to escape. I must have fallen." I explained to the Lord recounting the event. I could feel my cheeks begin to flare. _This was humiliating. Lord Trask must think me an idiot._ He shook his head in disgust and took off his dinner jacket, placing it tightly around my bare shoulders.

"What were you doing out here all alone?" He asked flatly.

"I was hiding, but only because Rose made us all play hide and seek." I added accusingly.

Then he swooped me into his arms, lifting me up with ease. I realized he was much stronger then he looked. I threw my hands around his neck, happy to be off my feet.

"Don't worry Mary, I have you now. You're safe with me" The stone faced Lord Trask said, gazing at me with concern. "I'd better get you inside."

As I was being carried toward Downton, I studied his face. He had a well chiseled jaw line and I realized his eyes, although green, had specks of brown in them. My heart began to beat rapidly and I grew worried that the Lord would be able to hear my heart racing as we were in such close quarters.

"Did he harm you in anyway?" He asked calmly, clenching his jaw possessively.

"No, no permanent damage, he just wounded my pride." I replied with a pointed smile.

Trask took quick strides toward the door and in no time he had gently set me down on the sofa in the library. He threw a blanket over me and began to rekindle the fire that had been reduced to embers.

"I'll go fetch the others." He said in a smooth voice.

"No. Please, I don't want anyone to know. I'm alright, and that's all that matters. I'd like to put it behind me now." I explained, gulping at the lump in my throat.

"As you wish Lady Mary. Would you like me to see you to your room?" Lord Trask inquired, avoiding further eye contact as the bedroom was being discussed.

"I think I can manage." I smiled. "Thank you Lord Trask. You really are my hero."

A smile formed on his face. "Please call me Jonathan. I don't fancy the title much." He confided to me.

"Very well, good night Jonathan." I said, smiling graciously at him.

He approached the chair I was lying on, looking conflicted as to whether he should stay or leave.

"Take care, Lady Mary. If you don't mind, I'd like to look in on you tomorrow." His eyes were distant now and he seemed distracted.

"Yes, that would be fine." I agreed, casting my eyes downward to avoid our eyes meeting.

He leaned down and planted a kiss on my cheek before taking his leave. I felt a wave of sensation rush through my body and I fell back into the chair.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't protect you love." Said a familiar voice. "Forgive me Mary."

"Darling." I whimpered, "I didn't know if I'd ever see you again."

I studied the planes of Matthew's face. He looked melancholy. His eyes were prickled with tears and his usually soft face was hardened.

"I'm fine. It was nothing." I pleaded, not wanting him to feel less of a man because he hadn't rescued me.

"There's nothing, I can do for you now is there love?" He said in a shaky voice as he reflected on his situation.

I latched on to him stroking his face and running my fingers through his soft blond hair. He smoothed my back and peppered me with kisses.


	7. Complexity

The sharp sound of the gong jolted me from my slumber. Counterfeit death had been my only escape from a world without my beloved but as of the late even sleep couldn't temper my wretchedness.

Matthew- defender of the downtrodden, as Rose had so delicately put it during our stint in Scotland. How I longed to gaze into those righteous blue eyes. The owner of those orbs a man whose principle would never falter, not even in the face of starvation, despair and ruin. I recalled how Matthew had been so adamant about returning Lavinia's fortune because it lacked propriety to keep it. He'd also insisted on keeping his situation as a lawyer even though he would inherit my families estate upon my father's death.

Matthew had been the son my father had never had. They'd smoked cigars with each other in the library where Matthew had hatched a plan to turn the paltry income that Downtown generated into a handsome profit that would save my father from the shame of being the one who dropped the ball. Trivialities like that stood out to me. For instance, the time he'd encouraged Edith to write to the newspaper which sent her on a journey that resulted in her meeting the love of her life-Michael. All our lives made better because of him and all our lives would carry on while his ceased to.

_"It's time to face another day,"_ I thought as I flung off my satin sheets. My motherly instinct was instantly alarmed, as I heard George's faint but distressful cry echoing through the wide corridors. I hastily clambered out of my bed and hurried to the nursery. By the time I had craned my neck and peeked into the room, nanny had already rocked George back to sleep. My heart stopped thumping against my chest when I saw my happy resting child. When my breaths had finally evened, I headed back to my room where Anna was waiting to help me get ready for breakfast.

Anna was smiling rather mischievously, as I headed over to the chaise to take off my nightgown.

"You're in a rather good mood. Do you owe that smile to Mr. Bates?" I prompted my head maid for details.

"Actually, I have something for you. It was left for you, err by Lord Trask." Anna chirped in her cheery high pitched voice.

I could feel my face draining of its colour at the sound of his name. To my chagrin, Anna placed a blue velvet box in my palm. I can't believe Jonathan had had the gall to send me a gift. My body became rigid and I clenched my jaw in revulsion. I was in mourning and he had no right to put me in this position. Anna finished assisting me with my attire and then departed to help Mrs. Hughes with alterations.

When I was sure I was the only inhabitant of the room, I carefully opened the box. To my shock and awe, my pearl necklace lay in one piece, in immaculate condition. It looked as though it had been polished; the pearls had regained their luster. I took the string of pearls out and put them around my neck. I was about to throw away the box when I noticed that a note that had been furtively tucked underneath the necklace.

_Lady Mary,_

_I had your necklace restrung for you in Ripon this morning. I hope all the pearls are there, I think I found all of them but I can't be sure. A reminder that broken things can always be repaired. _

_Yours,_

_Jonathan_

I reread the note a few times, finding myself at a point of contention. I couldn't discern whether Lord Trask was simply being polite or if he had an ulterior motive for this cryptic note. I pictured him scrambling around in the dark looking for the pearls. I couldn't believe that after he'd left me in the library, he'd gone back and picked up my pearls one by one. I was truly touched by this.

I made my way to the morning room for breakfast. As I took my place across from Sybil, I couldn't help but notice my father's nose hidden behind a copy of The Lost Prince.

"I gather that you were the last to be found papa?" I said with a laugh.

"Yes Mary, but the question is where in the world were you during the fireworks display? Carson must have missed at least half of it because he went looking for you?" Papa inquired.


	8. Survival

Today was a good day to spend idly reading and taking in the crisp air so I headed to the bench that had been erected a few meters from the Abbey. I felt a bit guilty for wasting a perfectly good day on literature but grandmamma said once that all days were wasted, whatever one did. So with that in mind I was in the clear. My heart was set on finishing reading Austen's Persuasion. I'd begun reading it during my last trimester but once I'd been told about Matthew's accident, I hadn't been able to pick it up again. I suppose it's because every time I held the book in my hands I thought, "the last time I reading this…you were alive…and I was happy." Matthew's dying had hit me like a freight train.

Thankfully George was just minutes old when the news arrived; otherwise I fear he would have crumbled alongside me. Losing Matthew meant losing my family, my chance to have another child and most importantly George's chance to have a sister or a brother. Death can have a way of foiling all of a person's plans. Thus, I began my long-suffering journey of being plagued with what ifs, whys and maybes. What if I asked Matthew to stay a little longer in hospital with me? Why did I urge him to deliver the new to my parents in person when he could have telephoned? Maybe he would have lived if he had taken the back roads. Maybe the automobile he was driving was defected? I was overwhelmed with scenario after scenario until my mind couldn't take it anymore.

A shadowy figure caught my eye and I squinted to determine who was approaching. It was a lean tall man with dark hair framing his face; that much I could see. When the person ascended the grade and came into focus I discerned that it was Lord Trask headed straight toward me. His green eyes flitted across the grass and then anchored to mine. I must maintain my composure I thought, swiftly waving to break the ice.

"Well you clean up very nicely." Lord Trask observed putting his hand over his chest to catch his breath.

He looked dashing. He was wearing a tweed suit, patterned tie and brown leather shoes. He had on a pair of brown leather gloves to stave off the cold. His hair was tidily parted to the side in a similar style to how Matthew would wear his hair.

"Thank you. Would you care to join me?" I asked folding my hands neatly on my lap.

He looked at me intently as if he were trying to see if there was any outward evidence of the assault from the other night. His glanced over me and halted at the sight of my pearls. His piercing green eyes were beckoning me.

"I see you received the necklace." He said modestly, peering at the bright white beads on my neck.

"I did. Thank you for having it repaired." I said finding it difficult to form the words conveying my gratitude.

At this Lord Trask simply and artfully bowed.

"I was hoping you'd take in the air with me, on a walk." Lord Trask requested cocking his right eyebrow at me and looking about the grounds.

"Alright, you win." I said with a pointed smile.

I paused for a moment. "I'm suddenly sad, because I've just realized you'll be leaving us soon. Won't you?" I questioned.

"Actually, I'm leaving England, in a month. My father has found me a job in an english export business. So I've been commissioned me to manage the logistics from India." Trask explained as he took in the scenic view of the estate.

"My, India, that's far away." I said feeling slightly lost at Trask's revelation. "Will it be your first time there?" I inquired feeling my cheeks begin to flare.

"No, I've been there before. It's fascinating Mary. Did you know in India they take seven turns around the fire when they marry? "Much like this!" He said taking my hand and spinning me around several times. "And after the final turn they are deemed husband and wife, it's really something to watch."

"I'm sure it's not like that at all Jonathan." I said feeling dizzy. "I'm afraid now that I might chunder."

He smiled, noticeably pleased that I had used his name and not his rank.

"A very clever way to broach the topic of marriage, I must say." I offered up.

"And they have this really exotic food called samosas. Have you ever tried one? They're just scrumptious." Jonathan bragged ignoring my quip about marriage. "Oh, and the women have these coloured bracelets that clank and clatter together every time they move. It's endearing. I'll bring a set back for you next time Mary." Jonathan said with a laugh.

"Thank you. I'd like to try it. I must say, I would kill to feel the sun on my skin for a change. England's so gloomy in the winter." I chimed in.

He shook his head and kept walking, looking very engrossed in his surroundings.

"But doesn't it get too hot?" I questioned Jonathan.

He looked at me wearily. "No I love it. However, my wife should like the heat, whoever she maybe. I suppose I should tell you, I will be taking the proverbial turn about the fire myself any day now." He sighed. "My parents think I'm far too old to be a bachelor and I'm only eight and twenty." Jonathan shyly admitted looking slightly downcast at the thought of exchanging vows so soon.

"My goodness, I'm six and twenty and I feel ancient." I said in jest, as I touched his arm in sympathy.

His eyes fell to my gloved hand and then shot back to my face. "Well, you're still young enough to take another husband, aren't you?" He said sharply.

"But that would obviate the aim of staying loyal to Matthew." I divulged to him, looking at my shoes to avoid Jonathan's disapproval.

"Loyalty comes in many forms, but I can't believe that it requires your life to plateau at six and twenty." Jonathan said argumentatively.

"I wouldn't quite put it that way." I said with a sort of finality. We found ourselves on the path's cusp and I was sure he was about to lean in to kiss me. I began to quiver at the thought. Jonathan leaned toward me but then quickly retracted his body. He straightened himself to his full height, smoothing the back of his hair in defeat. I realized he was putting me through my paces.


	9. Frozen

A/N: Thanks to my reviewers! Hope you guys like this chapter…let me know what you think?

The walk had tired me out and I was feeling a little worse for wear. I thought about Mrs. Patmore and the kitchen staff cooking up a storm downstairs and licked my lips hungrily. I envisioned roasted potatoes and wild goose with orange sauce, then my mind drifted to Mrs. Patmore's delicious spice biscuits. I could really do with a spot of tea right now but Carson was probably, at this second, clearing away the crockery and draining the tea pots.

I was accustomed to Anna setting out an evening gown by five sharp, but nothing had been laid out for me. Peering into my wardrobe, I scoured through the clothing that had been steamed and ironed.

My eye caught a pretty bright blue dress that I'd had to fork over hundreds of pounds for on my last trip to London. I smoothed the lace, admiring the passementerie on the gown. I'd been hoping to wear it on Matthew's 27th birthday but day would never arrive. I laid the gown on my bed having decided that I'd better wear it ahead of its falling out of style.

"Are you ready for me Lady Mary?" The familiar voice of my head maid piped from outside my door.

"Yes, please come in. I hope you don't mind that I took the liberty of selecting something to wear tonight." I said confidently, using my voice to convey my authority.

Anna examined the dress for a moment. "A lovely choice Lady Mary. That'll save me having to rummage through the closet." She said smiling awkwardly, her eyes flickering over the dress once more.

Anna wore a sort of glassy-eyed expression on her face and I chalked it up to her surprise that I had taken the initiative to choose a gown. I hadn't bothered choosing any of my clothing since Matthew had died so I wasn't surprised she was shocked by my actions. I remember the lengths I would go to when Matthew and I were courting or even when Matthew and I were on the outs with each other and entertaining other offers. I'd always wanted to leave him with a glimpse of myself looking de rigueur. I sighed, thinking about the days that had passed since his death. The hundreds of battles I'd won with myself to still be standing here, breathing and living without the person who my entire existence had come to revolve around.

I slid on the dress and Anna attached the hook and eye for me. Then I dabbed garden whispers on my neck, carefully replacing the Yardley bottle on my dressing table. A lovely medley of freesia and rose had filled the room. Glancing at my appearance from the corner of my eye, I let out a brief smile, knowing that even though there was love there, both my sisters would always envy my beauty.

My dressing routine continued and Anna slid my satin white kid opera gloves over each of my hands. She then hooked threw a blue glass and seed pearls lavaliere necklace over my neck.

"What do you think?" I asked my head maid as I struck a pose in front of my brass rimmed full-length mirror.

"I think my work is done here." Anna said winking at me before she made her way back downstairs for her dinner.

There was still time before the dinner gong would sound so I sat down at my dressing table. My thoughts trailed back to my earlier conversation with Jonathan. Had he really considered marriage with me an option? I was surely not fit to be anyone's wife at the moment, possible not even ever again. In my heart, I wanted to preserve my life the way it was when Matthew was alive and well, when his veins pumped blood to his heart and he thrived as the master of Downtown Abbey. Even my father's innocent suggestion to put Matthew's belongings away had angered me to no end. The book he had been reading that ill-fated day still haphazardly sat by his side of the bed, proof that I hadn't had the heart to move his belongings.

At six sharp, the gong sounded, resonating deeply throughout the abbey. I quickly slipped on my black heels and headed downstairs to break bread with my outlandish family.

Barrows greeted me with a toothy smile, "Good evening Lady Mary." He sing-songed, as he opened the door just wide enough to let me into the room.

"What? Is there something on my face? I inquired in response to the wide-eyed looks of shock and dismay from my family.

"No. It's just that you not wearing black as usual…that's all." Edith belted out even causing Carson to cast a look of astonishment in my direction.

"I'd better change, I didn't realize." I gasped, looking down at the gown in disbelief.

I covered my face regretfully. "How could I have been so stupid?"

"No darling, you look absolutely lovely." My father said trying to assuage me.

At this Lord Trask stood up. "Don't change." he proclaimed.

All eyes, included Barrows and Carson, fell on the Lord.

"And I thought tonight was going to be just another dreary dinner." I could hear grandmamma whispering to my mother.

Lord Trask looked about the table. "…Because the first course is about to be served and you'll miss it." He said hastily sitting back down and readjusting his napkin. His eyes ranged about the room and his face was covered with remorse for speaking out of turn.

"Yes, Lord Trask is right. Mrs. Patmore has made lamb, your favourite." said my mother guiding me to my seat.

"Honestly, I don't know what the commotion is for." Sybil interjected, flashing a sisterly smile at me, "It's just a dress."

"I agree with you Sybil. I should think we should clap our hands as that dress is on its way out of style and hasn't been worn once. Really, it cost more than this silverware." Grandmamma said lifting up her soup spoon and cocking her eyebrows.

I noticed beads of sweat had formed on Jonathan's forehead. He nervously took a swig of his red wine and started talking to Edith rather intently hoping to ward off my father's suspicious looks.

As I took a spoonful of mushroom soup my eyes flitted across the table to where Jonathan and Edith were sitting. I could overhear bits of their conversation. Edith was asking Jonathan if he'd like her to take him to see the churches tomorrow. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I shot Edith a look of contempt but she avoided my gaze. My sister had strong-armed Matthew in the same manner into sightseeing in Ripon in what I can only think of as her weak attempt to lure him with her feminine wiles.

"Mother… turn now." I pleaded, not tearing my eyes of Edith and Jonathan.

"But I- alright." My mother agreed, seeing the desperation in my eyes and turning to speak to Isobel. My mother's favorite child was always the one in closest proximity to her, so I knew she'd give in to my every whim for the meantime.

Edith reluctantly turned her head away from the Lord and started chatting with my father. I smiled inwardly knowing I had triumphed.

When the second course was being served my father began prompting our dinner guest for details about his impending journey to India.

"Does India suit you? I've heard it's unbearably hot in the summer." My father said striking up a conversation with the Lord.

Lord Trask smiled widely, happy that my father had taken an interest in him. "Actually yes, its suits me very much." Lord Trask said, his sea foam green eyes meeting mine for a brief moment. He replaced his fork and knife down on his plate and dived into a story about a train accident he'd witnessed in Calcutta, India.

"Honestly, it was horrific. The express train I was waiting for derailed right in front of me. I witnessed it plummeting down an embankment seconds before it arrived at the station killing nearly half the passengers and injuring the rest. Lucky for me I hadn't boarded the train yet." He said in a very sobering tone.

"Lady luck was definitely smiling down you sir." Papa said insightfully, raising his eyebrows.

"What do you make of Lord Trask's narrowly escaping the grips of death?" Grandmamma said intrusively turning the spotlight on me.

"Well, I think we are all very lucky that Lord Trask had not boarded the train yet." I responded noticing Jonathan looking up from his dessert and directing his gaze at me.

"Yes indeed. We are all very lucky." Grandmamma said with a hint of sarcasm.


	10. Defeat

Dinner had been an utter disaster. My stomach was unsettled and my heart was racing from the thoughts taking over my mind. Did I really fancy Lord Trask? What other explanation was there for my jealousy towards his interest in Edith. I could barely stand the sight of the pair of them together. And Edith was overjoyed that Jonathan had taken an interest in her even if it was on pretense for the sake of socializing.

What kind of mourning wife has feelings for another man only months after his death? I was questioning the very essence of my marriage and love for Matthew. Tears prickled my eyes at the realization. I suddenly couldn't breathe and didn't care that it was almost one o'clock at night. I needed air, and I was going to get it. I threw my robe on and made a tight knot with my sash. Hurriedly, I tossed my long dark plaited hair to one side and put on a pair of brown silk slippers. I peaked outside my room. The house was dead silent. Nimbly, I made my way to the staircase. Creeping towards the front door I took care not to alarm Isis who was fast sleep in the library. I swung open the wide entrance doors of Downton Abbey and let out a sigh upon feeling a breeze on my face. My fears scattered in the wind. I walked out onto the concrete and craned my neck upward to view the visible constellations.

"Burning the midnight oil?"A deep voice remarked from behind me.

I didn't lift up my head to look at him as I already knew who the possessor of the voice was.

"Orion's my favorite, actually." Jonathan said, gesturing to the heavens.

"Yes, I can always recognize that one because of the belt. Three stars in a row." I offered up.

Jonathan walked over to me. He gazed into my eyes intently and then inquired, "Have you been crying?"

"No. Of course not…" I responded abruptly, "… But I do wonder if you can see Orion in India?" I inquired, trying to get a reaction out of my newly acquired suitor.

At this Jonathan simply raised his eyebrow thoughtfully, "I believe you can."

"And what about your plans for the future. Do you ever plan on leaving Downtown and making a go of it in London?" Jonathan asked coolly.

Before I could conjure up a response, I felt a pair of lips pressing mine. I realized Lord Trask was kissing me in the very same spot Matthew had proposed two years ago in the midst of a snowstorm. This moment was captivating me almost as much as that one had, and I felt a pang of guilt because of it.

"I'm so very sorry. I don't know what compelled me to do that. This will certainly be the last you'll see of me, I promise. I'll leave tomorrow." Lord Trask said apologetically, shifting his bright green eyes away from mine.

"No, please. I could use the company." I pleaded, not wanting to be left alone with my thoughts.

"You're not upset that I kissed you." He pried fretfully, his eyes peering into mine fixedly.

I tried to stay composed but I was certain my countenance had betrayed me. I began to stir in the crisp Yorkshire air.

"Not upset. Just surprised since I noticed you seemed taken with my sister." I responded insightfully.

"She's amiable, but I find her wanting in many ways." Jonathan said earnestly, smiling at me for a brief moment.

"Careful, Edith's my sister and I won't have you putting her down." I said in jest, secretly relieved that no sentiment existed between the two of them.

"So you're not upset then." He said persistently.

"I'm a married woman." I finally managed to sputter out, my eyes ranging the sky without focus.

"You're a widow Mary." Jonathan said, looking askance briefly, then shifting his gaze upwards.

"I wish we'd met a few years down the road when you were more open to possibilities." Jonathan finally said, with a seemingly tempered resolve.

I shivered at this notion. I wanted one thing; but without tainting the other. I realized that was not practical. In order to oblige him, I would have to forsake Matthew first. I thought about my wedding vows. Til death do us part.

"_But why did it have to end there?" _I pondered to myself.

"I think it's best I leave first thing in the morning. Please make my excuses to your family." Jonathan stressed, as he shot me a parting glance.

"I will. Have a safe journey Jonathan and let us know how you are over the wire." I said in a weak voice, as my eyes swept over him one last time.

At this Lord Trask simply bowed and retreated into estate. I wrapped my arms around my body and clung to myself miserably.


End file.
